My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
