Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Enjoy the penises
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
