Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
