I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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