My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
