I cut my penus on the lid.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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