I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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