Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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