hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
