What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
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His apartment number was 69. I had to.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
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But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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