she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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