when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
