my phone needs a breathalizer
I just threw up on my dentist
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
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