The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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