dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
