my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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