Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
