i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
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She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
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The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died