Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Sext me about skeletons
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.