god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.