my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
