I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
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how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
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I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE