meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
