I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
