JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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