She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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