i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
