I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
