When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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