i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Green mimosas i think yes
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
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It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
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The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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