why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
