look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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