I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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