apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
