I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
