I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
