So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
