I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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