Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
