Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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