as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
