Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
