I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Operation Purity has been aborted
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
