My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
