it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
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She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
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I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll