foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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