I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
