you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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