Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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