i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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