Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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