8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
is wine microwaveable?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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