so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
