We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
