the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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