i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
