God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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