the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
