shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize