the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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