I just cut my nipple shaving
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
