My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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