just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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