I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
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