...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
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It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
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why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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