You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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