it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
